It will hit the shelf at Christmas, for £6.99, but you get a 20% discount if you insult the cash till operator with any of the following insults. My favourite is "You querulous and disillusioned pessimist!" It should not be confused with The Pope Francis Little Book of Indults, which will be published in 2014, first in Germany and then the rest of Europe.
[Please take note: Artistic licence has, at times been used with the Pope's words. I have tried to keep faithful to the Pope's sentiment, but this is satire. I have not (as yet) been commissioned to compile a book of Pope Francis insults. It's a joke. Anyway, let's continue the book...]
"Slaves of superficiality!"
"Querulous and disillusioned pessimist!"
"Pickled pepper-faced Christian!"
"Children! Afraid to dance! To cry! Afraid of everything!"
"Asker for certainty in all things!"
"Christians allergic to preaching!"
"Closed, sad, trapped Christian who is not a free Christian!"
"Watered-down faith, weak-hoped Christian!"
"Seminarians who grit their teeth and wait to finish,
follow rules and smile [who] reveal the hypocrisy of clericalism - one of the worst evils!"
"Smarmy, idolator priest!"
"Religious who have a heart as sour as vinegar!"
"Promoter of the poison of immanence!"
“Those closed in the formality of a prayer that is cold, stingy [who]
might end up as Michal, in the sterility of her formality.”
"Older people nostalgic for structures and customs which are no longer life-giving in today’s world!"
"Young people addicted to fashion!"
"Luscious cakes, sweet dainties. Delectable, but not real Christians!"
"Christian hypocrites only interested in their formalities!"
“They disguise themselves, they disguise themselves as good people: they make themselves up like little holy cards, looking up at heaven as they pray, making sure they are seen—they believe they are more righteous than others, they despise others!"
‘Mah,’ they say, “I’m very Catholic, because my uncle was a great benefactor, my family is this, I’m that… I’ve learned... I know this bishop, this Cardinal, this priest... I am this or that...’ They think they are better than others. This is hypocrisy!"
"Sloth-diseased, acedic Christians!"
“I think of many Christians, of many Catholics: yes, they are Catholics, but without enthusiasm, even embittered!"
"They are people without light – real downers!"
"And how many Christians are like this?” he asked, “selfish, out for themselves.”
“Christians who do not leave space for the grace of God – and the Christian life, the life of these people, consists in having all the paperwork, all the certificates, in order!”
"The theologian satisfied that his thought is complete and conclusive is mediocre.”
“The theologian who does not pray and does not adore God ends up drowning in
the most disgusting narcissism.”
“This is an ecclesiastical sickness.
The narcissism of theologians and thinkers does such harm; it’s disgusting.”
“Your institutions are not machines for producing theologians and philosophers.”
"There are Christian bats who prefer the shadows to the light of the presence of the Lord!”
"Starched Christians, too polite, who speak of theology calmly over tea!"
We have heard of so many good Catholics, good Christians, friends and benefactors of the Church that – it has been revealed - acted for personal profit. They presented themselves as benefactors of the Church and made money on the side…”
And in the Church there are climbers, people driven by ambition! There are many of them! But if you like climbing go to the mountains and climb them: it is healthier! Do not come to Church to climb!
A simple numerary in this sect!
Weathervanes! All of them!
Rotting in the heart, weak, weak to the point of rottenness! Gloomy in the heart!
So much sterility within our Mother Church: when because of the weight of the hope in the Commandments, that pelagianism that all of us carry within our bones, she becomes sterile. She believes she is capable of giving birth… no, she can’t!
Many times I think that in some places the Church is more like an entrepreneur than a mother.
A discouraged, anxious, sad Church; a Church who is more spinster than mother; and this Church isn’t useful”, such a Church is no more than a museum.
Christians in appearance! Made-up Christians, because when the rain comes, the make-up runs off!
“So many ‘apparent Christians,’ collapse at the first temptation,”
Appearances! Christians of appearance ... they are dead!
“Band of the chosen” in that “ecclesiastical microclimate!”
I think about how many Christians prefer a spectacle to the silence of the Kingdom of God.
“Have these people come to receive a Sacrament, to have a feast like at Cana in Galilee, or have they come to have a pageant, to be seen, for vanity?"
A Christian without strength, without fertility". "A Christian out for himself, to serve himself." His is a "sad life", "the many great things of the Lord" are "wasted".
Christians enemies of the Cross of Christ!
"Pagans with two strokes of Christian paint, so as to appear like Christians, but pagans nonetheless!"
“A pastor who opens the doors of the Church and stays there, waiting, is sad”.
"There are bright Christians, full of light – noted the Pope - who seek to serve the Lord in this light" and " there are dark Christians" who lead "a life of sin, a life distant from the Lord" and who use those four types of words that "belong to the evil one".
"But there is a third group of Christians", who are not "neither light nor dark
""They are the Christians of gray areas. And these Christians of gray areas are on one side first and then the other. People say of these: 'Is this person with God or the devil?' Huh? Always in the grey area. They are lukewarm. They are neither light nor dark. And God does not love these."
How many Christians live for appearances? Their life seems like a soap bubble. The soap bubble is beautiful, with all its colours!
Corrupt politicians, corrupt businessmen and corrupt clergymen everywhere!
The “uniformists”, whose manner is to “‘uniformize’ everything: everyone as equals!
"They call themselves Christians, they call themselves Catholics, but their rigid attitude distances them from the Church!”
“Uniformists, alternativists and advantagists!”
"Proud, self-sufficient, detached from the people, intellectual aristocrats, who closed their doors and resist the Holy Spirit!"
"A Europe which is now a “grandmother”, no longer fertile and vibrant."
Feeling immortal, immune or indispensable. “A Curia that doesn’t criticise itself, that doesn’t update itself, that doesn’t seek to improve itself is a sick body.”
Working too hard. “Rest for those who have done their work is necessary, good and should be taken seriously.”
Becoming spiritually and mentally hardened. “It’s dangerous to lose that human sensibility that lets you cry with those who are crying, and celebrate those who are joyful.”
Planning too much. “Preparing things well is necessary, but don’t fall into the temptation of trying to close or direct the freedom of the Holy Spirit, which is bigger and more generous than any human plan.”
Working without coordination, like an orchestra that produces noise. “When the foot tells the hand, ‘I don’t need you’ or the hand tells the head ‘I’m in charge.’”
Having “spiritual Alzheimer’s”. “We see it in the people who have forgotten their encounter with the Lord ... in those who depend completely on their here and now, on their passions, whims and manias, in those who build walls around themselves and become enslaved to the idols that they have built with their own hands.”
Being rivals or boastful. “When one’s appearance, the colour of one’s vestments or honorific titles become the primary objective of life.”
Suffering from “existential schizophrenia”. “It’s the sickness of those who live a double life, fruit of hypocrisy that is typical of mediocre and progressive spiritual emptiness that academic degrees cannot fill. It’s a sickness that often affects those who, abandoning pastoral service, limit themselves to bureaucratic work, losing contact with reality and concrete people.”
Committing the “terrorism of gossip”. “It’s the sickness of cowardly people who, not having the courage to speak directly, talk behind people’s backs.”
Glorifying one’s bosses. “It’s the sickness of those who court their superiors, hoping for their benevolence. They are victims of careerism and opportunism, they honour people who aren’t God.”
Being indifferent to others. “When, out of jealousy or cunning, one finds joy in seeing another fall rather than helping him up and encouraging him.”
Having a “funereal face”. “In reality, theatrical severity and sterile pessimism are often symptoms of fear and insecurity. The apostle must be polite, serene, enthusiastic and happy and transmit joy wherever he goes.”
Wanting more. “When the apostle tries to fill an existential emptiness in his heart by accumulating material goods, not because he needs them but because he’ll feel more secure.”
Forming closed circles that seek to be stronger than the whole. “This sickness always starts with good intentions but as time goes by, it enslaves its members by becoming a cancer that threatens the harmony of the body and causes so much bad scandals especially to our younger brothers.”
Seeking worldly profit and showing off. “It’s the sickness of those who insatiably try to multiply their powers and to do so are capable of calumny, defamation and discrediting others, even in newspapers and magazines, naturally to show themselves as being more capable than others.”